Sunday, December 30, 2012

a Christmas blessing

i've been wanting to post for 2 weeks now with an update, but things with my business were SOO busy leading up to the holiday, due to Christmas orders and design work that i was doing for clients... but, right before i closed up shop for the holidays i met with Dr. Mo to see if anything had happened with my cycle due to the 2 months on the Metformin.  and while i've lost about 8-10lbs. {give or take the holiday treats i've indulged in}, it doesn't appear that the Met has helped restore my ability to ovulate, nor the ability to have a natural period... so i'm now on day 74 of the same cycle so the doc said that when we're ready to proceed with our first IUI cycle i could start my progesterone supplements.  and seeing how we were gone this week, and my doc won't be back in the office till next wednesday i figured i'd get started on those a few days ago so that hopefully i'll start a new new cycle sometime next week.

in the mean time Dr. Mo did say the hubs needed a third SA done, to check his counts as well as check for that enzyme i mentioned in my last post, because if that enzyme issn't present we would have to skip IUI all together, and go straight to IVF... which i really would love to see if IUI will do the trick for us.  and after quasi-stalking my doc's office the week before Christmas we got his results.

we found out his numbers were back up again, praise the Lord!  still not out of the low zone, but they had improved from the second SA he had done back in July.  

here are the stats on the three he's had:
{May 2012} SA #1: volume very high - motility 60% - morphology 7%
{July 2012}  SA #2: volume very high - motility 50% - morphology 1%
{Dec 2012}  SA #3: volume very high - motility 60% - morphology 6.9% {close to 7% is what the nurse said}

so while his morphology is still high {remember with morphology the number reflects the percent of normal shaped sperm} it's great to know that maybe that second analysis was just a fluke, and that something wasn't drastically wrong.  we'll count the fact that his numbers were back to "normal" for him as an answer to prayer, and that we are cleared to proceed with IUI due to the positive test for that enzyme!

on another note, right before Christmas we met with some friends for our annual Christmas dinner and we suspected that one of the couples was pregnant, which they failed to announce at our little shindig... however about a week later she called to talk to me and in fact confirmed that they are expecting.  my hunches are always right on!  while it was difficult to have my hunch confirmed, i was determined to not crush her joyful announcement during the course of our conversation.  she's someone who was an acquaintance turned client, turned friend and she has become a dear friend that i've really come to love over the past few years.  so i really can't be anything but happy for she and her hubby.  however during our conversation she did say that they were a little surprised because they weren't planning to start trying till next next spring.  that type of statement always makes me wince a little, since i've been learning a whole about my "plans" versus God's plans...  which totally made me think of this little gem i found on pinterest 

she's someone i had told a little bit about my PCOS stuff, but not that we were really "trying" nor had i told her about pursuing fertility treatment.  but i had told her we were considering this next year to try to have a baby... so she knew something was up with me, and when she told me how they weren't planning to be pregnant yet, i gently reminded her to be thankful that even though it wasn't spot on their timing, to be thankful for this blessing because there are others {like myself!} who are praying for pregnancy miracle.  after sharing her news she did ask about us and what was going on with us remembering what i had told her about the PCOS.... truth be told i kinda dread the moment someone asks, where i have to decide, is the someone i want knowing about our struggle?  is this someone i know i can trust to be tenderhearted and empathize with what we're going through?  and the answer to those questions was yes, she certainly is someone i can confide in and so i tried to give her the cliff notes version of what's going on... again i felt terrible sharing where we're at, like i was stomping on her joyful news.  but i really do think she's someone who cares and i would love to have on our team of prayer warriors for our journey.  

i have to admit that i think i'm "maturing" a little in how i handle pregnancy news, because at the end of our chat i told her not to feel awkward sharing with me about her pregnancy, and not to avoid me because of our struggles.  and she thanked me for telling her that, i think once a fertile finds out you're not it makes it super awkward and they shut down not knowing what's "appropriate" to share with the infertile.  so i wanted to make sure she knew i still want to be apart of her pregnancy.  the neat part is that their due date is on the anniversary of their wedding which i helped her plan almost 3 years ago.

and that folks brings us up to today... will update again once our new cycle starts!

Monday, December 3, 2012

Thanksgiving + happiness

 i know this post is over a week late... but i started writing it before thanksgiving and left it in my drafts folder, and realized today that i never posted it... so without further ado...

so on the topic of thanksgiving, aside from the obvious {for which this blog is being writen} i do actually have a ton in my life to be thankful for.  and despite the fact that we are celebrating the holidays again without a baby in our arms or on the way, i am incredibly thankful and for my many blessing and especially that i've never had to experience the sorrow of miscarriage. this is something that occurred to me right before thanksgiving when i was thinking what do i have to be thankful for in our struggle with infertility... 

a few months ago i attended the Women of Faith conference and one of the speakers was sharing on the topic of losing a child... she discussed how so many women suffer through the private pain of losing a child.  at one point she asked the crowd {keep in mind it was the Honda Center where the Duck's play hockey} which was filled with women, she asked those who've lost a baby/child to stand... i was blown away as it seemed as though 1 in 4 women have suffered that loss.  i know i personally would probably be crushed to be expecting a baby and then to lose it and have to start from square one again.  despite our struggle with infertility, for that i am thankful we haven't had to know that kind of hurt and disappointment, and i pray that we won't.

i also realized that rather than thinking about each month {or cycle rather}, as another wasted cycle, i should be thankful for this time i have with J {that's my hubs}.  i tend to get so caught up in "my plan" that i forget that God's plan is allowing J and i to have more time together for the two of us.  this time that can be used to draw nearer to each other, and try to work out as many of our "kinks" as possible before we do expand out family.  in theory that would be a much more fruitful way to spend this time with him, rather than throwing pity parties about our childless life.  we really need to embrace this time as a couple and attempt to grow and strengthen our marriage and relationship!  it's taken me a good 6 months to come to this realization, to think had i realized this then we could've been trying to enjoy the past 6 months rather than spend it dwelling on the frustration of our infertility.  keep in mind, i haven't got this practice down perfect, there are many days and hours in a day where my mind wanders back to pity party land... but at least now i know i can choose a different, and dare i say happier mindset when i start to wander off.  but in the barren dessert of infertility it truly does take courage to choose happiness.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

just buying time...

well a month snuck past me without updating... an not much has happened as far as fertility developments until yesterday.  i had my 1 month follow up since starting the metformin, and i'm handling the medicine just fine now, the first two weeks were a bit of a doosey, but it's all under control now... a word to the wise, if you are about to start taking metformin, while easing onto it you most likely with experience nausea and how to put it delicately... well the big "D."  it's not fun trying to live your life needing to know where the nearest restroom is and wondering will i make it in time? not to mention, when you're sick like that, it's not a fun thought to have to leave the house and the privacy of your own bathroom while you body seems to have a mind of its own! not a very fun way to live indeed!  but at the encouragement of a friend who repped diabetes meds, she told me if i could stick it out past the first two weeks, my system should adjust and it would be back to the "regular"-ly scheduled programming {pun intended}.  and she was right, praise the Lord!

i thought there was a chance that the metformin was doing it's job, when i saw this on my CB fertility monitor on day 18 of my cycle...

however, after meeting with my doc yesterday she said that if in fact my cycle didn't end 2 weeks after it wasn't actually ovulation.  it's possible for you to get a peak in hormones like you would right before ovulating, and not actually ovulate.... well dang it, that was too good to be true.

yesterday was a dreary day, but it was a good excuse to break out my rain boots for one or like the 5 days in so cal that i can actually justify wearing rain boots!  they really are the only reason i like the rain... =)

so i chatted with to doc about how i was handling metformin, we discussed our possible options for our first go around of IUI, which it looks like we can either try to do this month or just after the first of the year. either way the hubs has to have one more semen analysis to check for any changes, and a test they will run for the {acrosome reaction}.  i won't even both trying to explain it, so if you'd really like to know you can check out the description by clicking on that term.  they also checked my hormone levels, and did an ultrasound {which was pretty inconclusive, yay for a 1 minute procedure that'll probably cost me $100}.... man it'll really be rewarding when when we're not just looking at my follicles + uterine lining and there's actually a little someone to see in there!  

oh and before i left, i asked for their fee schedule to plan ahead financially for what an IUI proceedure is going to cost us... not terrible, unless i need more than the standard included 2 ultrasounds planned for in the "IUI with Clomid" option.... i guess IUI may be our Merry Christmas + Happy New Year gift to each other this year, whoopie!