Sunday, September 23, 2012

the pregnant people are following me!

today was just one of those days that had i left the house in a lousy state of mind i would've come home and just cried myself to sleep... thankfully i left the house with an optimistic attitude.  the hubs and i attended the USC vs. Cal game today and i kid you not, i've never noticed so many newborns at a football game!  maybe last season i wasn't really that dialed in or maybe there was something in the water this past year but there were so many strollers everywhere and mom's sporting their babies in bjorns.  it was insanely hot at the game too and each time i saw one of them with their baby attached to them i thought "eh, i'm dying and so sweaty right now, but if i was that mom with the kid i wouldn't care about the discomfort, i'd totally sweat it out just to tote my kiddo to the game!"

later after we got home i went with my mom to run some errands and get some quality time in.  and i kid you not, we turned onto an aisle in Home Goods and there was preggo #1, cute polka dot adorned bump, and then about 10 feet past her was preggo #2, and i had to say to my mom, "they're following me!  the pregnant people are seriously everywhere!"  it seems to be happening more frequently too, i feel like everywhere i go there a ladies with cute little bumps there just taunting me... sure they may not know they're doing it, but man, it's enough to drive a girl crazy, especially one who's maternal inner clock is ticking like crazy fast metronome!

this may sound totally irrational, but that's just how i roll sometimes, some days i just feel like the pregnant people are out to taunt me, when really i know it's just Satan messing with me, hoping to drag me down and bum me out.... but today, I didn't let him win.

Friday, September 21, 2012

testing, testing...

...anybody out there?

well, maybe not... or at least that's how i feel sometimes these days.  where to start, hmm, i've been thinking about starting this blog for some time now.  i guess in a way i've thought that by starting a blog devoted to such things would mean that i would have to admit that we're having trouble.

the truth is i really don't know how long things haven't been right, but it's been about a year that i've been able to see something wasn't right.... what's not right you ask? well, this time last year i naively thought "oh a year from now i'll be the proud mommy of a newborn."  well, here we are a year later and the only baby around these parts is our furball kitty.  when we decided we'd like to add on to our family of two, we just figured we'd be on the road to parenthood rather quickly.  i mean hey, why wouldn't we when all of my friends and close family seemed to think about kids, or maybe not even think about them, and WHAM! they were pregnant without a second thought.  well, that obviously hasn't been the case for us. for those who know me, they know i like to be in control, and when it comes to life plans {it has to do with my profession too} schedules are meant to be kept, so it's seriously hard for this planner to not be able to schedule life according to the expectations i had.  God has a funny way of teaching things... kind of like how this past year has been one of teaching me patience, to just sit back and be still, to know and accept His timing and His will in my life... because let's be honest He knows better than i do, but man it's sometimes a daily, if not hourly struggle for me... especially when it comes to being a mom.

infertility was not a word i ever imagined i would use unless i was talking about others, but in the past few months it has become one of my new vocab words, among others, in regards to our current situation.  it's truly amazing the words and things God will use to get your attention and use as a means to draw you to Him.  my whole life i've experienced challenges, i struggled to fit in early in my teen years, sure i've had my heart broken, and more recently helped support my mom during her battle and triumph over lymphoma... and through all those storms i've encountered in my 29 years i've always know God had a plan, and that ultimately those events were in His hands. and i knew that i had some character building lesson to learn from Him through it all.  now we're on a new journey through what feels like the desert of infertility, it's a journey that i certainly didn't plan for and it's one that's proving to be longer that we even imagined... but i have faith that it's a journey to Something Glorious.  though i don't know when or how it will end, i do know that it will end in a way that will give glory to God, and ultimately the why or how will pale in comparison to what God has in store at the end of this road.

here's a great Beth Moore quote i found that was the inspiration behind naming this new journal of mine... and i know God has a plan, i have faith that He has one, i just need to remember that the even though this time can be painful, the ultimate outcome of God's plan is for His glory...