a Christmas blessing

i've been wanting to post for 2 weeks now with an update, but things with my business were SOO busy leading up to the holiday, due to Christmas orders and design work that i was doing for clients... but, right before i closed up shop for the holidays i met with Dr. Mo to see if anything had happened with my cycle due to the 2 months on the Metformin.  and while i've lost about 8-10lbs. {give or take the holiday treats i've indulged in}, it doesn't appear that the Met has helped restore my ability to ovulate, nor the ability to have a natural period... so i'm now on day 74 of the same cycle so the doc said that when we're ready to proceed with our first IUI cycle i could start my progesterone supplements.  and seeing how we were gone this week, and my doc won't be back in the office till next wednesday i figured i'd get started on those a few days ago so that hopefully i'll start a new new cycle sometime next week.

in the mean time Dr. Mo did say the hubs needed a third SA done, to check his counts as well as check for that enzyme i mentioned in my last post, because if that enzyme issn't present we would have to skip IUI all together, and go straight to IVF... which i really would love to see if IUI will do the trick for us.  and after quasi-stalking my doc's office the week before Christmas we got his results.

we found out his numbers were back up again, praise the Lord!  still not out of the low zone, but they had improved from the second SA he had done back in July.  

here are the stats on the three he's had:

{May 2012} SA #1: volume very high - motility 60% - morphology 7%

{July 2012}  SA #2: volume very high - motility 50% - morphology 1%

{Dec 2012}  SA #3: volume very high - motility 60% - morphology 6.9% {close to 7% is what the nurse said}

so while his morphology is still high {remember with morphology the number reflects the percent of normal shaped sperm} it's great to know that maybe that second analysis was just a fluke, and that something wasn't drastically wrong.  we'll count the fact that his numbers were back to "normal" for him as an answer to prayer, and that we are cleared to proceed with IUI due to the positive test for that enzyme!

on another note, right before Christmas we met with some friends for our annual Christmas dinner and we suspected that one of the couples was pregnant, which they failed to announce at our little shindig... however about a week later she called to talk to me and in fact confirmed that they are expecting.  my hunches are always right on!  while it was difficult to have my hunch confirmed, i was determined to not crush her joyful announcement during the course of our conversation.  she's someone who was an acquaintance turned client, turned friend and she has become a dear friend that i've really come to love over the past few years.  so i really can't be anything but happy for she and her hubby.  however during our conversation she did say that they were a little surprised because they weren't planning to start trying till next next spring.  that type of statement always makes me wince a little, since i've been learning a whole about my "plans" versus God's plans...  which totally made me think of this little gem i found on pinterest 

she's someone i had told a little bit about my PCOS stuff, but not that we were really "trying" nor had i told her about pursuing fertility treatment.  but i had told her we were considering this next year to try to have a baby... so she knew something was up with me, and when she told me how they weren't planning to be pregnant yet, i gently reminded her to be thankful that even though it wasn't spot on their timing, to be thankful for this blessing because there are others {like myself!} who are praying for pregnancy miracle.  after sharing her news she did ask about us and what was going on with us remembering what i had told her about the PCOS.... truth be told i kinda dread the moment someone asks, where i have to decide, is the someone i want knowing about our struggle?  is this someone i know i can trust to be tenderhearted and empathize with what we're going through?  and the answer to those questions was yes, she certainly is someone i can confide in and so i tried to give her the cliff notes version of what's going on... again i felt terrible sharing where we're at, like i was stomping on her joyful news.  but i really do think she's someone who cares and i would love to have on our team of prayer warriors for our journey.  

i have to admit that i think i'm "maturing" a little in how i handle pregnancy news, because at the end of our chat i told her not to feel awkward sharing with me about her pregnancy, and not to avoid me because of our struggles.  and she thanked me for telling her that, i think once a fertile finds out you're not it makes it super awkward and they shut down not knowing what's "appropriate" to share with the infertile.  so i wanted to make sure she knew i still want to be apart of her pregnancy.  the neat part is that their due date is on the anniversary of their wedding which i helped her plan almost 3 years ago.

and that folks brings us up to today... will update again once our new cycle starts!

Thanksgiving + happiness

 i know this post is over a week late... but i started writing it before thanksgiving and left it in my drafts folder, and realized today that i never posted it... so without further ado...

so on the topic of thanksgiving, aside from the obvious {for which this blog is being writen} i do actually have a ton in my life to be thankful for.  and despite the fact that we are celebrating the holidays again without a baby in our arms or on the way, i am incredibly thankful and for my many blessing and especially that i've never had to experience the sorrow of miscarriage. this is something that occurred to me right before thanksgiving when i was thinking what do i have to be thankful for in our struggle with infertility... 

a few months ago i attended the Women of Faith conference and one of the speakers was sharing on the topic of losing a child... she discussed how so many women suffer through the private pain of losing a child.  at one point she asked the crowd {keep in mind it was the Honda Center where the Duck's play hockey} which was filled with women, she asked those who've lost a baby/child to stand... i was blown away as it seemed as though 1 in 4 women have suffered that loss.  i know i personally would probably be crushed to be expecting a baby and then to lose it and have to start from square one again.  despite our struggle with infertility, for that i am thankful we haven't had to know that kind of hurt and disappointment, and i pray that we won't.

i also realized that rather than thinking about each month {or cycle rather}, as another wasted cycle, i should be thankful for this time i have with J {that's my hubs}.  i tend to get so caught up in "my plan" that i forget that God's plan is allowing J and i to have more time together for the two of us.  this time that can be used to draw nearer to each other, and try to work out as many of our "kinks" as possible before we do expand out family.  in theory that would be a much more fruitful way to spend this time with him, rather than throwing pity parties about our childless life.  we really need to embrace this time as a couple and attempt to grow and strengthen our marriage and relationship!  it's taken me a good 6 months to come to this realization, to think had i realized this then we could've been trying to enjoy the past 6 months rather than spend it dwelling on the frustration of our infertility.  keep in mind, i haven't got this practice down perfect, there are many days and hours in a day where my mind wanders back to pity party land... but at least now i know i can choose a different, and dare i say happier mindset when i start to wander off.  but in the barren dessert of infertility it truly does take courage to choose happiness.

just buying time...

well a month snuck past me without updating... an not much has happened as far as fertility developments until yesterday.  i had my 1 month follow up since starting the metformin, and i'm handling the medicine just fine now, the first two weeks were a bit of a doosey, but it's all under control now... a word to the wise, if you are about to start taking metformin, while easing onto it you most likely with experience nausea and how to put it delicately... well the big "D."  it's not fun trying to live your life needing to know where the nearest restroom is and wondering will i make it in time? not to mention, when you're sick like that, it's not a fun thought to have to leave the house and the privacy of your own bathroom while you body seems to have a mind of its own! not a very fun way to live indeed!  but at the encouragement of a friend who repped diabetes meds, she told me if i could stick it out past the first two weeks, my system should adjust and it would be back to the "regular"-ly scheduled programming {pun intended}.  and she was right, praise the Lord!

i thought there was a chance that the metformin was doing it's job, when i saw this on my CB fertility monitor on day 18 of my cycle...

however, after meeting with my doc yesterday she said that if in fact my cycle didn't end 2 weeks after it wasn't actually ovulation.  it's possible for you to get a peak in hormones like you would right before ovulating, and not actually ovulate.... well dang it, that was too good to be true.

yesterday was a dreary day, but it was a good excuse to break out my rain boots for one or like the 5 days in so cal that i can actually justify wearing rain boots!  they really are the only reason i like the rain... =)

so i chatted with to doc about how i was handling metformin, we discussed our possible options for our first go around of IUI, which it looks like we can either try to do this month or just after the first of the year. either way the hubs has to have one more semen analysis to check for any changes, and a test they will run for the {acrosome reaction}.  i won't even both trying to explain it, so if you'd really like to know you can check out the description by clicking on that term.  they also checked my hormone levels, and did an ultrasound {which was pretty inconclusive, yay for a 1 minute procedure that'll probably cost me $100}.... man it'll really be rewarding when when we're not just looking at my follicles + uterine lining and there's actually a little someone to see in there!  

oh and before i left, i asked for their fee schedule to plan ahead financially for what an IUI proceedure is going to cost us... not terrible, unless i need more than the standard included 2 ultrasounds planned for in the "IUI with Clomid" option.... i guess IUI may be our Merry Christmas + Happy New Year gift to each other this year, whoopie! 

a rosy outlook

i've decided that i'm not just going to write about the ups and downs of our fertility journey, but i'm also going to include some things about my day to day during the journey towards becoming a parents.  don't get me wrong, our fertility journey will still be the main focus of the blog, and since there is a lot of waiting between doc appointments, tests, and cycles i've decided it'd be better to try to fill the space in between with other things such as recipes, and fun things.  i'm going to try to do this in an attempt to keep myself from obsessing over my daily temperatures, OPK readings, and the general neurosis that sets in during the times of waiting during the infertility journey.

and on that note, i'd like to introduce you to two members of the David Austen english rose family that will be making their way into my life early next year!  i know when people are having trouble trying to get pregnant for any amount of time they will sometimes buy a puppy {or insert animal of choice here}, but since we already have a kitty, chinchilla, and a goldfish we've met our animal quota.... so therefore i decided i'd like to re-try my hand at gardening.

why re-try you ask?... well two years ago i became majorly obsessed with peonies and wanted so badly to grow them myself... well, seeing how i live in so cal and our weather is generally perfect for everything but growing peonies, i thought surely i could trick the peonies into growing for me!  ha! i was wrong and tried to no avail and my peony roots grew but never really produced anything other than skinny branches and some leaves.  {waah waaahh}  so then i discovered these beautiful english roses, which are perfect and just as ruffled and made my heart skip a beat just like peonies do!  so yesterday i pre-ordered my rose shrubs.  the top is called Glamis Castle {which IMO is a dead ringer for a white peony} and the bottom is called A Strophshire Lad, the perfect peachy-blush tone!  I.AM.SO.EXCITED!

so sometime right around my birthday these beauties will come in, and cannot even wait!!  i guess i just bought my first 30th birthday present to myself, haha... these beauts will be sure to bring lots of joy in the days to come.

prayer + healing

i saw this floating around pinterest tonight and it was such an encouragement to see this little nugget from the bible...

even thought i have faith that God does indeed hear my prayers, knows how many teardrops that i have shed, and can tell when my heart is heavy... it's nice to find little reminders that he hears my prayer and indeed will heal me from the broken heart i sometimes feel over this life i lead without a baby.  i know that he can heal my PCOS, and i know that he can heal the fertility problems my husband has, and he will one day heal my broken heart... it's just a matter of having the faith to pray and seek, but we must ask in order to receive.

i know that i need to be patient during the quite times where i tend to doubt that God is listening to my prayers... i know in what seems like silence to me is actually quiet time for me to wait, because in this quiet time God's preparing my heart for the healing, but i know that there's a road to the healing i seek.

and now tonight, as i head off to bed i can lay my head down knowing that i have a promise from God that there will be an end to this journey; it may not be today, but it's coming soon!

2nd appointment with the RE: test results + metformin

today was my second appointment with my RE, and i feel at little more at ease compared with last night... just so i can get it off my chest and move on to the point of this post, i must share another facebook story...

i know, i know... but, i happened to log into FB to see a comment from a friend who was wanting to buy our SC tickets for this weekend's game, and there it was... another pregnancy announcement {boo}.  only this time it was this particular couples' third pregnancy announcement in what feels like the past year {but it's actually been more like the past 4 years}.  needless to say, she was announcing that they were so surprised to find out they weren't just expecting another baby, but 3, yes count them THREE babies naturally.  so of course my jaw dropped to the floor and so did my heart to see that not only did they accidentally get pregnant with a third child but this pregnancy will potentially add triplets to their already family of four.  {side note: why do people really call un-planned pregnancies surprises?? seriously people, we're all adults, we know how babies are conceive, is it really a surprise if you aren't doing anything to prevent it??}  ok, rant over... but i really do believe that God has an awesome sense of humor, and it took me an hour or two to get it.... no, i'm not laughing at them or wishing them ill will, i will for sure be praying for that family.  but even though i want nothing more than to become a mom to at least one child, i couldn't even image the stress and fear going through their minds planning for how to cary, birth and take care of triplets.  for the first time since ttc, i am not envious of their pregnancy, maybe God has softened my heart... i'm hoping so!

ok, now back to regularly scheduled programming:

so i met the RE bright and early this morning, and i found out the following...
 
       *  i am Vitamin D deficient: time to start soaking up more of that So Cal sun, no dear husband pool time isn't as bad for me as you've tried to convince me it is! =) actually dr. M suggested i take 2000mg of Vita D a day to help with that.

      * my thyroid is borderline off... my dad has suspected this for years because i could sleep all day long if allowed to, however over the years the "basic" thyroid tests have said i'm just fine... i guess it took a little digging to get to the bottom of this one... bottom line, not treatment right now, but when i do get pregnant they will need to keep an eye on me to ensure i don't miscarry.

       * my blood glucose levels were on the high end: she said the top of the range is a 5.6 and i was at a 5.5, so she said she felt good about putting me on metformin {hooray}, maybe i won't be saying that in a few days, take a look at the list of side effects + warnings on the bottle... oh dear...

from what i understand, metformin{a diabetes drug} will help balance out what seems like insulin resistance in my body, and lower androgen levels too {which i already know i produce too much of due to the cystic hormonal acne i have, the funky hair growth, funky cycles + lack of ovulation, as well as the tummy weight i've put on in the past year due to being borderline insulin resistant}.  androgens play a big role in PCOS, and it is so not glamorous, but i'm excited to be moving forward to treat this issues that have developed over the past year.  she did mention that this can do a number on your body and act as a diarrhetic in the beginning and can make you nauseous, so she's prescribed 750mg 1x per day for 1 week and if i handle it alright after the first week to add a second pill each day...  i'm feeling a lot better about treating my body in a way that should help get my body to doing what it's supposed to rather than just shocking it into submission by forcing it to ovulate {a la Clomid}.  so this is positive #1 for me today.

       *  the other genetic testing came back negative as well as our STD panels {which we weren't worried about since we were abstinent till we were married, yet it's a test docs are require to do according to CA law}... so it's nice to know those preliminary things are out of the way.

         *  dr. Mo also double checked my ovarian reserve too... this is positive #2 from today!  she said they like to see a number over 1-2 and i was a 12!!!  apparently my ovaries are very healthy, have tons of eggs, they just need to start working on maturing them and releasing them again on a regular basis... so Praise the Lord i have plenty of fertile eggs, and time to have babies.  she did reiterate that because i have so many eggs that i would be at a super high risk of hyper-ovulation if we ever did injectable treatments and i would have to be watched very closely should we even decided to pursue IVF down the road.  but i'll take lots of eggs any day.

so, i'm excited to start down the road to hopefully, Lord willing, getting my body, cycles, and hormones back in balance, and after Thanksgiving we will see Dr. Mo if we're ready at that point to move forward with IUI.

       

the Choose Joy Event

i can't even express how excited i was to see my SIL post a link to this event a few days ago!  this is a new event happening here in Orange County... and i think it is an incredibly awesome idea, and what and smart ministry that it's almost like "well hellooo, why didn't someone think of this need sooner?!"

if you're in the OC area, or are feeling up to a road trip, the Choose Joy Event will be on Saturday, Feb 9th in South County at Crossline Church.  i know my mom and i are planning to attend, and support this new ministry that is, in my opinion, so needed in churches nation wide!

dear facebook, gosh i loathe you some days...

don't know how anyone else feels about this, but man... i used to love facebook... i used to love it before i was actively trying to become a mommy.  i swear it is a daily struggle for me, for example there are some folks that post on a daily basis about their cravings, about their sickness, their growing tummy, etc, etc... case in point one person posted about their baby's delivery today, and right there before it was another saying their 2 year old was going to be a big brother to a new little sister, AKA: "suprise we're having another!"  and while i totally understand their excitement and desire to share with people the joy they are experiencing it's just really tough when trying to trust in God, and in His plan + timing when it come to the plan for us to become parents.  and you know, until fertility became an apparent struggle in our lives i never really minded such announcements.  i always just thought, i can't wait till we get to brag to the world about our little bundle of joy.... but now it's like Satan totally knows that is the hardest thing currently that i'm struggling with in this journey.  right now he knows that all he's gotta do is lead me to facebook to where i will find other's joy to blind me from my own.  it's as if he's sitting on my shoulder saying you're not good enough, you're not selfless enough, you couldn't handle having a baby, your marriage isn't in the right place, and the list could go on.  while there are truths to some of the things he likes to wisper in my ear, i know that those aren't facts, that even though we aren't perfect it doesn't mean that we are any less equipped or worthy of becoming parents.

now back to babybook, i'm meeeaan... facebook {whatever it's called it's the root of all evil, i kid, i kid}.  not that facebook itself is a bad thing, but i hadn't ever given any thought to the over-sharing and the constant broadcasting of news, especially about babies.  but, with each day i am growing more aware of the fact that i need to embrace what God is trying to teach me at this current point in our time of waiting.  and while it's easy to image what life will be like once we are finally expecting a little one, i realize that God also has also been whispering in my ear.... although it's taken me a little more time to decipher what exactly He's been trying to say about my issue with the way we communicate in this digital age.  side note: many times in my life God has used my mom as a way to translate what He's teaching me.  now, my mom was a fertile mertle and was able to get pregnant very easily, so it's not as easy for her to relate to what we're going through, but she does a wonderful job of listening, empathizing, and helping counsel in the best ways she knows how.  with that being said, when i expressed my hurt + frustration about constant bump updates on FB, and people over-sharing with me about pregnancy, and generally anything that turns on the jealousy of a pregnancy in me; she told me "i have to believe that God is teaching and preparing you so that one day you will understand what other women are going through."  that's it, no extremely profound words, but boy did they profoundly speak to my heart!

she didn't have to say a lot, but the impact of what she was telling was huge, it's making me tear up as i write this... {woooh, deep breath}  like i've mentioned before, i've had some trials in my life, and by no means does that make me a martyr, nor am i tooting my own horn... but i do honestly believe that prior trials and tests in my life have lead me to this point.  they've helped develop my character, my faith, and my strength.  most people who know me would say that i'm a pretty tough cookie, {yet very melancholy} =), while mentally being pretty strong too.  and i know that strength was given and built up in me by my heavenly father, with help from my earthly father + mother of course. =)  but i know that God's strength is ultimately what has sustained me in the past, and it will be what gets me through this current time in my life too.  i found this little quote over at Waiting for Grace, and when i saw it i immediately thought to myself, "that's exactly how i feel!!!"

there have been so many times that i've thought this throughout my life and said to God, "why? i can't handle any more...  i don't deserve this!  you promised not to give me more than i was capable of bearing!"  but then i reach the mountain top of the trial and realize, wow that wasn't so bad, and i am so much stronger for having gone through that trial.  after reflecting upon this, i realized what God {and my mom} were telling me was this: "you are so much stronger than you know, and in the extra tough times it's ok to let God be your strength, even when you feel like you should just collapse under the burden."  often times i really do question, but i have to remember this scripture:

"... greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4

i know it's tough, and though i don't know how long this journey toward parenthood will last, i do have faith that it will end at some point, and i know my mom is right.  when i look back on this i will in fact be able to empathize with others going through fertility struggles, and that when it's my turn to become a mommy i will be mindful and respectful of how we share our news with our friends, family, and facebook "friends."  because the last thing i would want to do to another woman struggling with fertility is make her feel inadequate, broken, or like i don't understand... because in actually i very much do, and will, and hope that God will give me the strength to be able to share what it's like to get to the other side with His help.  and as Hannah from Waiting for Grace said, this chapter God is writing in my life is my new testimony to Christ's awesomeness, and when it's time all the honor and glory will be to Him alone.

Starting a new chapter: Clomid 50mg fail + 1st RE appointment

welp, as of yesterday we've started writing a new chapter in our journey toward becoming parents... here's a little recap to help with where the hubs and i are in the fertility or should i say infertility journey {it still makes me wince to think that we are, what i used to think of as, "a poor infertile couple." yep, we are}... but anyhow here's the recap:

* since may of this year, 2012, my OB has been aware that i may have the symptoms of PCOS {if you don't know what that is, i've provided a link, it's really special... not}.  since then they've been paying a little more attention to us, with my insistence of course.  but since then I've had a clear HSG, hubs' has had 2 semen analysis{plural, not sure how you spell that?}, i've had a boat load of blood work done, and now the hubs' is having some done too.

* my fertility concerns *
 being that i have some of the PCOS symptoms: crazy hormonal cystic acne all times of the month, seem to not ovulate on my own anymore since March 2012, and have put on tummy weight that won't seem to go away despite improving my diet and getting back into my regular exercise routine since getting off the pill... all signs point to PCOS.  so if i don't ovulate, there's no egg, and no egg means no baby, without of course divine conception, but i don't think that'll be happening! =)

* hubs' fertility concerns *
 well both semen analysis tests concluded he has a high volume, great motility {which is their ability to swim}, however the first test showed 7% morphology + the most recent showed 1% {dang it, it went down}... and in plain english that means that only 7% the first time + 1% this last time were regularly shaped, the rest were misshaped, therefore making it very unlikely that there are enough good guys to make it to my egg {if i actually released one}.  and of all the funky morphed ones, even if they did make it to the egg, they would have two left feet when they got there and most likely wouldn't make it through the egg.  and in the miraculous event a morphed one did make it and fertilize, the odds of that embryo would end in a miscarriage is pretty much a for sure thing.

:: so that pretty much brings things up to late August 2012 ::

Clomid round #1 - 50mg - my OB said we could try Clomid before moving onto a RE {reproductive endocrinologist or fertility doc}, so they scanned my uterus, wrote me a script for 50mg of Clomid and off i went.  the hubs and i weren't getting our hopes up at this point, we also hadn't found out the results of hub's second semen analysis {SA} so we proceeded with Clomid and prayed for the best.... as i made it to day 17 of my cycle my doc thought there was a possibility i ovulated over a weekend and that we missed the window to induce ovulation, but after a progesterone blood test it was confirmed i hadn't.  at that point they told me we could try one more higher dose of Clomid, but after that we would need to see a RE for help.

Reproductive Endo consult - once we got the results back of hubby's second SA we decided it was time to book a consult with a RE, so yesterday we met with Dr. Mo.  she's a sweet yet "tell it like it is" 40 something RE who runs a women's fertility office, which really made things more comfortable for me seeing how i'm a pretty modest person and feel a lot more at ease working with a woman doctor from a physical and emotional standpoint.  she ran through our labs, test, etc. and said since we are young {we're both 29}, that we have options... we can either try a higher dose of Clomid for me, possibly combined with metformin for my high testosterone levels + intrauterine insemination {IUI}.  or the other option is IVF, which would involved lots of med, injections, surgery to harvest eggs, fertilizing them, having any left overs frozen, and then insemination of the fertilized embryos.  another big difference is IUI run about $1000 per round versus IVF which is between $13-15k per round.  while there is a drastic difference in price, IVF does have better pregnancy success rates but only like 10-20% greater than IUI....

the way we left it with Dr. Mo is that we would start with a round of IUI and see how it goes with the upped dose of Clomid and see if my body responds to it this time.  she ordered some blood work from both of us, a genetic test {which the hubs was all to interested to have done on himself, so i happily let him}, and she did a scan to see if maybe i possibly ovulated really late after the Clomid i took at the end of August and that turned out to be a big negative.... she did however say i had a ton of eggs, to which she also said would not make me a good candidate for injectables if the Clomid didn't work, since i have so many eggs the chances of multiples would be crazy high and even if they watched me closely it could be very difficult to control the amount of eggs i could produce.  at this point the hubs asked "like we could have multiples?" and Dr. Mo said no, you could end up with like 60 eggs... um, excuse me??  so basically i wouldn't be allowed to do injectables unless we were doing IVF and harvesting eggs for the future since i have so many and they're so healthy... so i guess that news is the silver lining of our first appointment.  we have a ton of healthy eggs to work with!

since i hate posts that are sans photos, i'll leave you with a shot of our his + her's blood work war wounds... and i swear his arm really isn't smaller than mine in real life!!! =)  till next time...

the pregnant people are following me!

today was just one of those days that had i left the house in a lousy state of mind i would've come home and just cried myself to sleep... thankfully i left the house with an optimistic attitude.  the hubs and i attended the USC vs. Cal game today and i kid you not, i've never noticed so many newborns at a football game!  maybe last season i wasn't really that dialed in or maybe there was something in the water this past year but there were so many strollers everywhere and mom's sporting their babies in bjorns.  it was insanely hot at the game too and each time i saw one of them with their baby attached to them i thought "eh, i'm dying and so sweaty right now, but if i was that mom with the kid i wouldn't care about the discomfort, i'd totally sweat it out just to tote my kiddo to the game!"

later after we got home i went with my mom to run some errands and get some quality time in.  and i kid you not, we turned onto an aisle in Home Goods and there was preggo #1, cute polka dot adorned bump, and then about 10 feet past her was preggo #2, and i had to say to my mom, "they're following me!  the pregnant people are seriously everywhere!"  it seems to be happening more frequently too, i feel like everywhere i go there a ladies with cute little bumps there just taunting me... sure they may not know they're doing it, but man, it's enough to drive a girl crazy, especially one who's maternal inner clock is ticking like crazy fast metronome!

this may sound totally irrational, but that's just how i roll sometimes, some days i just feel like the pregnant people are out to taunt me, when really i know it's just Satan messing with me, hoping to drag me down and bum me out.... but today, I didn't let him win.

testing, testing...

...anybody out there?

well, maybe not... or at least that's how i feel sometimes these days.  where to start, hmm, i've been thinking about starting this blog for some time now.  i guess in a way i've thought that by starting a blog devoted to such things would mean that i would have to admit that we're having trouble.

the truth is i really don't know how long things haven't been right, but it's been about a year that i've been able to see something wasn't right.... what's not right you ask? well, this time last year i naively thought "oh a year from now i'll be the proud mommy of a newborn."  well, here we are a year later and the only baby around these parts is our furball kitty.  when we decided we'd like to add on to our family of two, we just figured we'd be on the road to parenthood rather quickly.  i mean hey, why wouldn't we when all of my friends and close family seemed to think about kids, or maybe not even think about them, and WHAM! they were pregnant without a second thought.  well, that obviously hasn't been the case for us. for those who know me, they know i like to be in control, and when it comes to life plans {it has to do with my profession too} schedules are meant to be kept, so it's seriously hard for this planner to not be able to schedule life according to the expectations i had.  God has a funny way of teaching things... kind of like how this past year has been one of teaching me patience, to just sit back and be still, to know and accept His timing and His will in my life... because let's be honest He knows better than i do, but man it's sometimes a daily, if not hourly struggle for me... especially when it comes to being a mom.

infertility was not a word i ever imagined i would use unless i was talking about others, but in the past few months it has become one of my new vocab words, among others, in regards to our current situation.  it's truly amazing the words and things God will use to get your attention and use as a means to draw you to Him.  my whole life i've experienced challenges, i struggled to fit in early in my teen years, sure i've had my heart broken, and more recently helped support my mom during her battle and triumph over lymphoma... and through all those storms i've encountered in my 29 years i've always know God had a plan, and that ultimately those events were in His hands. and i knew that i had some character building lesson to learn from Him through it all.  now we're on a new journey through what feels like the desert of infertility, it's a journey that i certainly didn't plan for and it's one that's proving to be longer that we even imagined... but i have faith that it's a journey to Something Glorious.  though i don't know when or how it will end, i do know that it will end in a way that will give glory to God, and ultimately the why or how will pale in comparison to what God has in store at the end of this road.

here's a great Beth Moore quote i found that was the inspiration behind naming this new journal of mine... and i know God has a plan, i have faith that He has one, i just need to remember that the even though this time can be painful, the ultimate outcome of God's plan is for His glory...