Friday, September 21, 2012

testing, testing...

...anybody out there?

well, maybe not... or at least that's how i feel sometimes these days.  where to start, hmm, i've been thinking about starting this blog for some time now.  i guess in a way i've thought that by starting a blog devoted to such things would mean that i would have to admit that we're having trouble.

the truth is i really don't know how long things haven't been right, but it's been about a year that i've been able to see something wasn't right.... what's not right you ask? well, this time last year i naively thought "oh a year from now i'll be the proud mommy of a newborn."  well, here we are a year later and the only baby around these parts is our furball kitty.  when we decided we'd like to add on to our family of two, we just figured we'd be on the road to parenthood rather quickly.  i mean hey, why wouldn't we when all of my friends and close family seemed to think about kids, or maybe not even think about them, and WHAM! they were pregnant without a second thought.  well, that obviously hasn't been the case for us. for those who know me, they know i like to be in control, and when it comes to life plans {it has to do with my profession too} schedules are meant to be kept, so it's seriously hard for this planner to not be able to schedule life according to the expectations i had.  God has a funny way of teaching things... kind of like how this past year has been one of teaching me patience, to just sit back and be still, to know and accept His timing and His will in my life... because let's be honest He knows better than i do, but man it's sometimes a daily, if not hourly struggle for me... especially when it comes to being a mom.

infertility was not a word i ever imagined i would use unless i was talking about others, but in the past few months it has become one of my new vocab words, among others, in regards to our current situation.  it's truly amazing the words and things God will use to get your attention and use as a means to draw you to Him.  my whole life i've experienced challenges, i struggled to fit in early in my teen years, sure i've had my heart broken, and more recently helped support my mom during her battle and triumph over lymphoma... and through all those storms i've encountered in my 29 years i've always know God had a plan, and that ultimately those events were in His hands. and i knew that i had some character building lesson to learn from Him through it all.  now we're on a new journey through what feels like the desert of infertility, it's a journey that i certainly didn't plan for and it's one that's proving to be longer that we even imagined... but i have faith that it's a journey to Something Glorious.  though i don't know when or how it will end, i do know that it will end in a way that will give glory to God, and ultimately the why or how will pale in comparison to what God has in store at the end of this road.

here's a great Beth Moore quote i found that was the inspiration behind naming this new journal of mine... and i know God has a plan, i have faith that He has one, i just need to remember that the even though this time can be painful, the ultimate outcome of God's plan is for His glory...

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