Thursday, October 11, 2012

dear facebook, gosh i loathe you some days...

don't know how anyone else feels about this, but man... i used to love facebook... i used to love it before i was actively trying to become a mommy.  i swear it is a daily struggle for me, for example there are some folks that post on a daily basis about their cravings, about their sickness, their growing tummy, etc, etc... case in point one person posted about their baby's delivery today, and right there before it was another saying their 2 year old was going to be a big brother to a new little sister, AKA: "suprise we're having another!"  and while i totally understand their excitement and desire to share with people the joy they are experiencing it's just really tough when trying to trust in God, and in His plan + timing when it come to the plan for us to become parents.  and you know, until fertility became an apparent struggle in our lives i never really minded such announcements.  i always just thought, i can't wait till we get to brag to the world about our little bundle of joy.... but now it's like Satan totally knows that is the hardest thing currently that i'm struggling with in this journey.  right now he knows that all he's gotta do is lead me to facebook to where i will find other's joy to blind me from my own.  it's as if he's sitting on my shoulder saying you're not good enough, you're not selfless enough, you couldn't handle having a baby, your marriage isn't in the right place, and the list could go on.  while there are truths to some of the things he likes to wisper in my ear, i know that those aren't facts, that even though we aren't perfect it doesn't mean that we are any less equipped or worthy of becoming parents.

now back to babybook, i'm meeeaan... facebook {whatever it's called it's the root of all evil, i kid, i kid}.  not that facebook itself is a bad thing, but i hadn't ever given any thought to the over-sharing and the constant broadcasting of news, especially about babies.  but, with each day i am growing more aware of the fact that i need to embrace what God is trying to teach me at this current point in our time of waiting.  and while it's easy to image what life will be like once we are finally expecting a little one, i realize that God also has also been whispering in my ear.... although it's taken me a little more time to decipher what exactly He's been trying to say about my issue with the way we communicate in this digital age.  side note: many times in my life God has used my mom as a way to translate what He's teaching me.  now, my mom was a fertile mertle and was able to get pregnant very easily, so it's not as easy for her to relate to what we're going through, but she does a wonderful job of listening, empathizing, and helping counsel in the best ways she knows how.  with that being said, when i expressed my hurt + frustration about constant bump updates on FB, and people over-sharing with me about pregnancy, and generally anything that turns on the jealousy of a pregnancy in me; she told me "i have to believe that God is teaching and preparing you so that one day you will understand what other women are going through."  that's it, no extremely profound words, but boy did they profoundly speak to my heart!

she didn't have to say a lot, but the impact of what she was telling was huge, it's making me tear up as i write this... {woooh, deep breath}  like i've mentioned before, i've had some trials in my life, and by no means does that make me a martyr, nor am i tooting my own horn... but i do honestly believe that prior trials and tests in my life have lead me to this point.  they've helped develop my character, my faith, and my strength.  most people who know me would say that i'm a pretty tough cookie, {yet very melancholy} =), while mentally being pretty strong too.  and i know that strength was given and built up in me by my heavenly father, with help from my earthly father + mother of course. =)  but i know that God's strength is ultimately what has sustained me in the past, and it will be what gets me through this current time in my life too.  i found this little quote over at Waiting for Grace, and when i saw it i immediately thought to myself, "that's exactly how i feel!!!"

there have been so many times that i've thought this throughout my life and said to God, "why? i can't handle any more...  i don't deserve this!  you promised not to give me more than i was capable of bearing!"  but then i reach the mountain top of the trial and realize, wow that wasn't so bad, and i am so much stronger for having gone through that trial.  after reflecting upon this, i realized what God {and my mom} were telling me was this: "you are so much stronger than you know, and in the extra tough times it's ok to let God be your strength, even when you feel like you should just collapse under the burden."  often times i really do question, but i have to remember this scripture:
"... greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4

i know it's tough, and though i don't know how long this journey toward parenthood will last, i do have faith that it will end at some point, and i know my mom is right.  when i look back on this i will in fact be able to empathize with others going through fertility struggles, and that when it's my turn to become a mommy i will be mindful and respectful of how we share our news with our friends, family, and facebook "friends."  because the last thing i would want to do to another woman struggling with fertility is make her feel inadequate, broken, or like i don't understand... because in actually i very much do, and will, and hope that God will give me the strength to be able to share what it's like to get to the other side with His help.  and as Hannah from Waiting for Grace said, this chapter God is writing in my life is my new testimony to Christ's awesomeness, and when it's time all the honor and glory will be to Him alone.

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