life: a journey of faith

i've seen this quote floating around on pinterest many times, and tonight it struck a cord for me.  i know that this journey towards becoming a parent was certainly one of faith and reliance on God and especially in his timing {something all too familiar especially while waiting on His timing for our miracle baby}. but, in reality this made me realize that our whole lives are a journey of faith...

it's so easy as imperfect humans to cry out to God when we need something or when we're struggling through hard times.  it's also so tempting to think that i actually know what's best for me as far as what timing these things i desire should happen in. yet it is all too easy to forget how much we need to rely on Him on a day to day basis for His answers and especially His timing.  it's almost as if we suffer instant amnesia as soon as God answers our prayers or brings a trial in our life to an end.

it's so easy now that i am pregnant and officially in the second trimester of my pregnancy {woo hoo!} to think that i'm out of the woods and i can just coast on my own strength,  it's just so easy to do that!  however, when i stop an examine this tendency i realize that while i was heavily relying on my faith in God in the recent months of praying for our miracle pregnancy and praying to make it through the first trimester without any problems, i experienced a closeness to God.  but in that closeness and triumph of answered prayers it's very easy to start coasting and thinking "ok God, i'll take the control of my life back, thanks!" in reality, this is time when Satan would love nothing more than to knock us flat on our face again, which he's pretty good at doing.  i feel that now more than ever, when i feel like "i" have my life "under control" again, i really need to keep relying on my faith in God, asking for His care and blessing in my life rather than just assume it.

i feel like this is easily depicted between my hubby and i... i think to myself, "geeze, it'd be really nice if he would just see i need his help and offer it without me having to ask." and he thinks, "ok, it looks like she needs my help, but she's stubborn and likes a challenge, so she'll ask if she needs it." and not that the way my hubby thinks is exactly how God deals with us humans, but i imagine it's quite similar.  in my stubbornness, overconfidence, and silly human nature i tend to forget that all i need to do is ask for God's help in my life... yet most times i get so carried away in trying to be in control that i forget the simple act of asking for His help, and in the same way my hubby sees i need help, He {and my hubby} want to be asked or invited to help.

i've learned and relearned many times in my life that our faith in God and His timing needs to be consistent, and not just when we're down in the dumps feeling defeated... it needs to be during the good times too.

6 weeks + a heartbeat

God continues to blow me away.  about half way through last week i started to get a little antsy sorta stressing and wondering if we would even be able to see a heart beat come yesterday's appointment... 

as if God hasn't already taught me many times in recent past that he's got this baby and everything {really} under his control. 

so i began over thinking and googling the likelihood of seeing a heartbeat at a 6 week appointment.... i was also concerned that even though we saw the gestational sac last week that there wouldn't be a baby visible this week.  a friend of mine with an "old fashioned pregnancy" went for her first ultrasound at 8wks and they didn't see a baby, then went in for a 10wk with her doc thinking they were just off on the conception date.  but they still didn't find a baby in the empty gestational sac and that certainly was not the news they hoped to hear.  so that of course got me a little concerned 

about both of these things for this week.

so yesterday as soon as Dr. Mo started the ultrasound she said "there's a flicker!" and sure enough there was a tiny little heartbeat to which I said "no way!!" that she found it that quickly, easily, and it was crazy yet again to be shown God's goodness, despite my silly ability to doubt his faithfulness.

i guess i'm just still a little in shock that we're pregnant, and that this little one is progressing wonderfully so far!  and apparently i'm still supposed to be learning how to relinquish control of this child to the one who's given this amazing gift i expected was still a ways off in the future.

so here's our little miracle that according to my app is the size of a pea right now... oh and they gave us a tentative due date of October 15th, 2 days before my mom's bday!

it's kinda funny because i remember reading blogs of other IF ladies thinking man when i'm pregnant i will not obsess over everything and will just enjoy that i'm pregnant... haha easier said than done!  and it makes sense since a friend said that her OB recently told her it's a maternal instinct to have concern for your baby while still in utero and that you always will as a mom, even more so once they're born.

so last night i went to bed feeling so blown away by the little miracle growing inside me, and that God is so faithful by continuing to proving to me He's in control with his promises for 

"a hope and a future" as a mom.

5 weeks...

how very true this is...

and after this weekend at the Choose Joy Event this fact was confirmed incredibly for me.

but more on the event in another post.

so after our positive and growing beta HCG tests last week, J and i went in for my "5 week" appointment with Dr. Mo yesterday for a progesterone check and our first ultrasound... 

yes, i said first ultrasound!  

this seems a little too good to be true and being the control freak + planner that i am i wasn't content knowing we had positive betas, no i had to start googling what we should expect to see at 5weeks.  and it didn't look much more than a little black dot in the uterus.  i will admit that i'm not naturally a worrier, but this had me freaking out that we might not see the dot in my uterus, rather it might be in my tube, meaning it would be an ectopic pregnancy.... oh how easily Satan would love to swoop in and shake my faith, and my trust that God's got this pregnancy in His hands and under His control, not mine... i swear Satan can just swoop so easy and pull the rug out from under me so i lose focus on leaning on God.  

and you know, my worrying is so pointless, because God is so good... 

because here is our little black dot, and the emphasis is on LITLLE... 

but that little black dot is miraculously right where it's supposed to be, in my uterus.

just for the record, it's crazy to actually see something in there finally, after over a year of empty uterus ultrasounds, i'm so thankful and relieved to see a something that i pray will soon start looking like a baby!  but the little black dot is actually the gestational sac, it's so tiny it's probably about 3-5mm in size right now.  and can you believe that there is a tiny embryo in the black dot and it's heart is ALREADY beating! it's just so small that the ultrasound can't quite pick it up yet.

 and i found this awesome site that shows ultrasounds for each week of pregnancy, along with all the crazy and miraculous developments that happen each week.... 

and this is what baby B is up to this week!  

if you've been praying for us, please keep praying that God will keep growing our little miracle baby, and that we will be able to see it's heartbeat at our 6 week ultrasound! 

so surreal...

4 weeks HCG beta tests #2 + #3

so i went in wednesday for my second HCG beta test which turned out great, my number was 355! which they said was great and had doubled from our 150 on monday.

then i went in again today for our third beta test and the phone call from my favorite nurse in the office came and she said my betas look beautiful and were up to 866 today... that means come monday i'll be well over 1600... so we got the green light for our first ultrasound on monday!! i'm still trying not to get my hopes up, but i am growing more accustomed to the idea that we are pregnant! i'm just praying that on monday at our 5week ultrasound we'll be able to see the gestational sac and yolk sack, and maybe if we're really lucky... the fetal pole too, but the baby may be too small still since the u/s is scheduled for 5 weeks on the dot.

they sent us home with all the do's and dont's brochure this week

on another note, tomorrow my mom and i are headed to the Choose Joy Event... i wrote about that event here.  i hadn't imagined that at the time when i first wrote about the conference that i might actually be attending it pregnant.   funny how God's plan goes =)